The realization of an apology.

I swallow dead air becoming aware of the awkward silence that engulfs me.
Trying to stay afloat above the storming sea of my social agony I shrink.
A silent cry into a vast vacuum boils up under pressure.
Looking up as the waves of devastation wash over me, I sink.
Overwhelmed by the tantalizing feeling that all should differ, if only.......


.........If only I would have drowned my thoughts,
tamed the blazing destruction coming forth from my mouth.


Self inflicted pain relieves the desire of justification.
Realization surfaces from the inner abyss.
A vast defiance breaks as utterance flows from within.
In a display of delicacy I mutter,

"Please forgive me."


Silver lining shines through the darkness that surrounds me.
Hope breaks through as I await the dawn of forgiveness.

I wait.....

Mother........

I am a 'Keurentjes'. This is something that I am very proud of. During sports games where one of 'us' is participating you can hear some people chant "Keurentjes, Keurentjes" Sometimes people will yell "Hey, Keurentjes" to get our attention. It just rolls of the tongue so nicely. We are proud of the 'Keurentjes' heritage. Growing up my brothers and I would even tease each other by calling the other a 'Kempe.' This is my mothers maiden name. When we would breg on being a 'Keurentjes' my mom would often tell us: "You have Kempe in you too!" Yet we would never label our selves as a Kempe. There is nothing wrong with being a Kempe, but after all we are 'Keurentjes'. As name brearer, Judah already knows that he is a 'Keurentjes'. Even our significant others get what it means to be a 'Keurentjes'.

You are probably wondering why I am ranting on about being a 'Keurentjes'. Well as we all know yesterday was mothers-day. So in church they showed a video where people would repeat some of the typical things their mom always told them. And then they continued to ask them to do a typical face their mom would give them. This got me to think about that. I have tons of things that I could fill in on those blanks if it was about my dad. But with my mom I had to think real hard and long. This made me wonder why that would be. After all my mom is a great mom and she has been there for me all of my life. But why are the main things I could hear my mom say (or yell) "GERARD!" and "You have Kempe in you too!"? So I have been thinking about my mom.

My mom was there every day when we came home from school. We would drink a cup of tea and have a little snack. She would make us do our home work and help us if we needed it. She would make dinner every day. She cooked for us even when she was fasting. She cleaned the house. And even though you can't really see it in my life she taught me to do the same. She taught me how to cook, clean, iron, sow. She was always there to help she was there early in the morning (until we were old enough to make our own breakfast). She dropped out of college and gave up her personal dreams when she became mom. Being mom was part of her dream but she made it her everything. She loved us unconditionally. She is funny. She spent time with her heavenly Father every day and laid the foundation for our spirituality. She has a heart of gold. She learned to like 'the A-Team', 'McGuyver' and action movies. She would spent time with us and let us make a disaster of the house when we played and then help us clean up. She welcomed us and our friends home. She tought us how to skip school by taking us out for hot chocolat and apple pie during school because she wanted to spent some one on one time with us. She taught us that it is more important to do your best than it is to succeed. Our house was a 'home' because of her. She prayed for us on a daily basis ever since she found out that she was pregnant and still does. I can best compare her to the strong foundation of a house. You don't really see it but without it your house would fall. I am convinced that our home was strong because of her.

So no, I can't really tell you what my mom would typically say to us or a face she would give us to know what she ment oter than all the tears she has spent on our behalf and her protection through prayer. I vision my mom sitting on her chair with a cup of coffee her colored pensils and her bible. Spending time with God and petitioning Him on our behalf. Even Judah knows that Oma Keurentjes reads her bible daily. He will join her when she does. He grabs her pensils and she will let him draw in her bible. He is already learning from her that God is real and wants him to know Him. Yes she would yell for my dad when she couldn't handle the situation (which was daily). And yes she would let us know that we have 'Kempe' in us to. But I have to be honest and let you know that I am very proud to be the son of my mother. I have 'Kempe' in me too!

I am proud about my mom. She has laid down her live to serve all four of us. And now that we are all grown and on our own legs she continues to lead us. This summer she is going to spent 3 months in Mozambique. There she will be going to the school of ministry with Iris Ministries. She will love the unlovable. She will minister to orphans, AIDS children, the poorest of the poor, people that live on dumps, etc. She leads us by example. Showing us how to live in the service of the Most High.

Thank you mom for who you are.

Mom-nap.

I pick up the phone with my mouth full of breakfast.
"Hi honey, what are you doing?" I hear Amy say on the other side of the line.
"Are you home yet?" She continues.
"Yes" I mumble as I swallow my bite.
"Oh."
"Why? What is it?" I ask her.
"I can't find my ID and I need it to buy food today."
"Where do you think it is?"
"Probably in the car. I think it fell out of my coat this morning. It probably fell of as I kissed Judah goodbye"
"We will be there as soon as we finish the German pancakes and get dressed" (We were still in our PJ's)
"Do you have anything to eat or do you need me to come right now" I ask even though I really want to finish breakfast first.
"No, I can eat a granola bar for breakfast. Can you bring my journal to?"
"Sure, I love you."
"I love you too, see you soon"

Click.

An hour later Judah and I walk down the back stairs ready to conquer the day. As I open the garage door I realize that I forgot the journal.
"Get in the car Judah, I will be right back." I say.
"But, why?"
"I forgot something for mama." I say as I run back up the stairs.

Dialing Amy's number while buckling up Judah. The phone rings three times. she probably won't pick up. She hardly ever does when she is working.

"Hello?" I hear as I wait for the garage door to close again.
"I am on my way."
"Ok I will wait outside. Around the corner from where you dropped me of this morning. You know the double doors right there?"
"Ok, I'll be there in a few."
"Bye"

As we pull up Judah spots Amy and yells "Mommy!"
"Did you find it?" she asks me as she opens the door.
"I haven't looked yet, but I brought your journal" I say as I get out to look behind and under my seat.
"Are you having a good morning Judah?" She asks him as she reaches over the chair to give him a kiss.
"Here it is," I say, "it probably fell of as you said goodbye to Judah this morning."
"Yeah, that's what I thought"
"Are you done working mommy?" Judah asks her with hope ringing in his voice.
"No." She says, as she sits on her knees in the front seat reaching over to give him another kiss.
"I have to work all day and all night. But I will be home all day tomorrow."

It is quiet for a moment and as Amy turns to ask me a question Judah yells: "Drive papa, drive."
I start to laugh. My son wants to mom-nap Amy.
"I can't Judah" I say. I continue to tell Amy what my plans are for the day. And he yells it again. I know that he is serious so I start to laugh. We kiss Amy goodbye and part our ways.

"Why didn't you drive away papa?"
"Because mama has to work all day" I answer.
"Can you put my window all the way down?" He asks, as he looks at a sick man on a stretcher being put in tan ambulance .
"I just saw a sick man papa, did you see that too?
"I did" I say as we leave the hospital driveway.
"Lets get something for mama for tomorrow OK?"
"What papa?"
"It is a surprise."


This morning I dropped Amy of at the hospital. Judah and I said our goodbyes and went back home to eat our breakfast.

Snap

Snap......Snap.......Snap.......Snap......... Judah is snapping his fingers as we walk up the stairs to our back door.

As I was finishing my lunch yesterday Judah suddenly yelled "Look Papa." I turn to look at him. There he stands holding his hand high up in the air, as proud as anybody can be. As I look at his hand I realize that there is nothing in his hands. That's when it happened, first it was almost inaudible, snap. As I realize what he is doing my eyes go big and then there it was the first real snap...... Snap...... I am so proud of him. He is glowing with a sense of accomplishment. I wonder where he learned that. Then it hits me. He has learned it from me. I always snap my fingers at him to get his attention when he is close by. He knows that I am serious and that he has to listen. I don't have to raise my voice, I don't have to barter, I don't have to get mad. I just, snap my fingers and he knows. He is now able to snap his own fingers. This is so cool. And then this morning as we are dropping Amy of at the hospital he snaps his fingers and says "I snap you goodbye." I laughed.

Now we are walking back up the stairs. Snap......Snap....Snap.....Snap