What I am.

"I am not aware of to many things
I know what I know
if you know what I mean."

-Edie Brickell & New Bohemians-

For the last two years I have been thinking about what I want to do while Amy is doing her residency. And for the last nine months I have been having an auto-biopsy. I have been racking my brain and running my emotions in all directions. I have had my highs. Starting my own Shaklee business, finding a church to call home, doing the One-A-Day challenge, etc. But I have also had time where my emotions were dragging on the pavement and I felt depressed. The missing of some intimite friends, still not expecting an addition to our family, not being able to volunteer in a ministry, etc. There have been times where I felt like nothing I would like to do in the next few years is possible. I still have a desire to get a BA degree and perhaps even more. Yet I don't seem to be able to make up my mind in what I want to study. When I think I know what I find my self realizing we dont have the money. I don't realy want to start over again. I know that most of my previous educations will not transfer. This is a depressing thought proccess for me. But through it all God has shown himself faithful. Just like He always does. I know for a fact that my entire family has grown closer to Him and to each other since we have been here.

On February ninth I wrote:

"My desire is to one day rely on God with this much sincerity. To fully know that his provision for the outcome of every situation in my life is for the good of His glory and the furtherment of His kingdom. To be able to say to myself in full conviction that my life belongs to him and he may do as he pleases. To realize that a beating or even death is nothing he hasn't done for me already. I owe my suffering to Him."

This really is my prayer and I know that he has been working with me on this for years and will do so for the rest of my life. But the last few weeks have been a real emotional roller coaster. Three weeks ago I had a conversation with Isaac, Kate and Amy that rocked me. I shared with them my vision for the church. In the safety of our relationship with each other I lost it. I completely broke down. So here I am crying and broken over the body of Christ. Isaac made a small comment the following day that gripped me and hassen't let go yet. He said: "I know you say you talk about your soap box being this or that but I have never seen you more passionate and moved than you were when you spoke about the church. Are you sure that that is not your real soapbox?" I have been thinking about that a lot. This question has been in the back of my head in esspecially in my planning what education to get. I just don't know any more. So today I asked my self the questions: What do I know for sure about my self and my future?

I know that I have always wanted to be a misionairy. I remember the stories about friends of my parents. Stories about their misionary work in Papua New Guinuea, Africa. I loved going on missions trips.

I know that God called me to study the bible in the USA. It was clear as day that he called me to go and prepare to be a worker because the harvest is plentyful.

I know that I am created to do ministry. You can read about this in my peptobismal post.

I know that I love to teach. I love to help people learn something or to improve what they already know. I love to see someone improve in something and know that I have part in that growth.

I know that my greates passion is the body of Christ, His bride, His everything, the hope for today. My moms says that I used to play church with the stuffed animals. I would set them all in rows and preach to them. Out of this passion comes my desire for those in need, the underprivilliged, the lost. I remember giving my nice bicycle away when I heard that children didn't have any toys or bikes to play with in poor countries.

Even with all these answers I know that nothing has changed. I still don't know what to do for a BA but I do know that I really want to go to seminary, for which you need a BA.

Today Bill spoke about the fact that God still speaks to us today. He said that if you hear Him, and know that it is Him, you should listen. This is not a surprise but he said that you should listen no matter what. The no matter what is what jumped out at me. So many times I have talked myself out of an education because I didn't think that it was possible financially or that I would not be able to find the time to work and study. The other thing that I have realized today is that I am afraid of not finishing yet another education. That to is why the no matter what jumps out at me.